I wish you would have followed your instincts and told me what was on your mind. What was bothering you. What hurt. What needed to be said… I told you over and over that if you don't talk, that doesn't mean the problems go away. They got bigger. I was scared that this would happen. Now it has.. and theres no going back. Our tree has all but up and died.. down to the roots..
The rain hits my window with intention to get inside. My insides are bursting through my skin to get out of any window I let light into. My heart wants to come through my eyes. My stomach is caught in my throat. Every day is like this. Grief, pain, regret, sorrow… all out sorrow. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. I seem powerless to fight it..
My days were filled with you. Cooking, walking, driving, traveling, planning, worrying. They are still filled with you. If I am no longer in love with you, why do I sill care. If you no longer want me either, why do you hold on. Why does the separation feel like amputation. Phantom pains after the limbs have been cut. Had I really let myself become nothing more than a part of you. Is that what other people saw when they looked enviously at us. Was it right or wrong. The "d" word feels wrong. Staying feels wrong. Nothing feels right.
Confusion is an addicting affliction. Once affected, the victim can't shake it and redirect onto a clear path. Right or wrong. Stand still…. that's all a confused person can do.
I have good days without you, but they are only good because another has the strength to carry me. I am not accustomed to being unable to stand. It's been 10 years since I was that weak. You carried me then… When I grew strong enough to stand… you didn't notice.
You didn't notice.
You stopped noticing me. Knowing me. Looking at me. Seeing me. Wanting to know who I was growing into.
I have grown away, but the roots of my heart still stretch to you. I am leaving. Packed everything back into my heart. I'm digging up the roots, turning my back and I am walking. I know I am not alone, but I feel the loneliness of not walking with you. I am going to have to pack that love and all of the dirt still stuck to it into a box and leave it by the roadside. I think that's the only way to leave you behind. Just drop it where I stand and start walking away… from you.. for good.