My broken heart aches and moans. I can’t console her. The pain is constant and it ebbs and flows but never dies. I thought I would feel freedom. They all said I would. No, I believed I would. I feel… lost. Inconsistent. I feel as though I jumped into what I thought was warm waters and found only a deep coldness that has seeped into every single crevasse in my heart. I have forgotten happiness. I have forgotten dreams. Is this normal in a divorce?
I made the choice. I left. I looked around at my beautiful life and saw the shadows that haunted me every day. They were real. They were there. I saw the division and the coldness that no blanket could protect me from. I begged for the soft warmth that I had once known and was met with the cool exterior of a stranger.
I am in mourning. I miss the life I had. The life I had long long ago.. The life that will never come back. I knew it was gone. THAT’S why I left.. I didn’t want to live with a friend and get my love from outside of the relationship. Yes, we had love. Not like lovers. Like.. distant family. We could be comfortable with each other. I wasn’t bored with her. She was with me. I wanted to feel alive.. she was content to just live. I gave 10 years to her dreams, her investments, her family, her need for a companion and lover.. I gave everything I had and shared experiences and life with her. I wanted to live my dreams now… with her. The way I had supported her was what I wanted in return… She said no.
My heart wants to feel happiness again. I feel like I am punishing myself. Like I’m not allowed to feel happy yet.. I can feel her pain from 20 miles away. I feel it like it’s my own. I have to decide if it is my own or if it is just my way of living the penance of my guilt for not thinking what we had was enough. I’ve hurt her so badly for leaving. I’ve hurt her so badly for leaving..? She wasn’t happy with me when I was there. Strangers passing through the days… until I pulled away, too. Then she saw.. then she felt the coldness.. then she knew… I was leaving. How long was I supposed to beg for her attention. Why did it take until I was gone for it to come back. WHY?? She said I was the most important thing in her love. The love of her life. Her whole world… How does that just… stop..? I have a flaw. I get short when I am on my period. I am in my own head and can’t always get out to try to understand what is being said. So I would be short. Not cruel, not cuss, not angry, not yelling, just short.. If she was beside me in the kitchen and I needed to get into a drawer that she was near.. I would huff. Oh, I also correct her english…. years ago. She told me how much it upset her and I stopped. I come from a family of english majors. It’s not easy to forget. I never ever wanted to hurt her feelings.. so I stopped. I loved her so much. I have a love for her still. I miss the early days. Sweetness. Kindness. Passion.. Adoration. Talking. Driving. Exploring. I miss that woman I knew. That bond that we had.
I will miss that for… forever.
I want to move on. I don’t know when I will left myself fly…